One of the biggest issues I have to continually coach my mature daters on is the very tender subject of the insecurities of dealing with rejection when dating in your 50s, 60s & 70s.
The difficulty is, as older adults, we are more likely to have hurt feelings following rejection, than younger adults. This is because in many cases we are more vulnerable, nervous about dating, and excited to meet a new partner. We have built up this lovely picture in our head - this is the one who we are going to fall in love with but the reality of finding love in today's modern world of dating sometimes can create an illusion that dating is a fantasy, just like in the movies our dream woman or man is just around the corner.
When the rejection happens, we take it personally, we think "What is wrong with me", "should I have said this or said that differently" and you analyse the whole time spent with your 'rejector', trying to figure out where you went wrong! In some instances, we have felt humiliated, stupid, inferior, or not good enough.
Dealing with rejection can be difficult, but it's important to remember that it's not a reflection of your worth as a person. The fear of rejection is among the most powerful of all fears. Rejection is processed by the same areas of the brain as it processes physical pain.
My Essential Tips on How to Handle Dating Rejection:
You need to allow yourself time to process your emotions, practice self-care, and talk it over with friends or family. It's also helpful to focus on your own values (see our values worksheet) and interests. Remember, rejection is a natural part of the dating process. Use rejection as an opportunity for growth. When things don’t work out, you’ve been provided with an occasion to learn something valuable.
Looking back, what was your conversation like? What did you talk about? How did you try to gain their interest? Were you interested in what they had to say? Did you ask questions? Did you listen intently? - take what you can learn from them, and move on.
After every rejection, use the opportunity to learn a bit about yourself, about the way you were/are, about why it didn’t work and if you feel it is necessary to implement some small adjustments in your approach to dating and your approach to having someone new in your life needs working on, then use every date as a learning curve and then no date will be wasted.
One of the most important things is that you go with the flow and keep things fun and easy, whether the end result is a relationship, a friendship – or just an enjoyable and interesting few hours spent on an evening that would have otherwise been in front of the telly alone.
My most essential tip for mid-life & later-in-life daters when it comes to first dates:
If there was one piece of advice I would like to give the majority of my mature daters is to; go into your first date with a positive attitude about just having one date. I find this makes you less stressed and nervous about the outcome of the date and removes the needy vibes you are putting out there without realising it. Being more relaxed and self-confident makes you more attractive to your date and increases your chances of a second date. (feedback from our members and daters has shown that their date being needy and having an air of desperation about them is an instant put-off)
I hope these tips have given you an insight into how to date better and increase your chances of getting to that all-important 'Second Date'.
Jacqui Baker
Please feel free to get in touch with me at jacqui@select-connections.com
For our full resources, tips & advice on handling dating rejection as a single in mid-life or later-in-life go to: www.select-connections.com