One year ago, I received this invitation in the post, and now, here we are, hat, dress and shoes bought, feeling very proud and excited to have been part of bringing Pauline & Andy together.
Being a matchmaker is different from any other job, and I know many people will say the same about their jobs. Still, very little in this world is more precious than our hearts and satisfying the need to have that long-desired companion in your life, by your side, keeping you company and being your rock.
When prospective clients come to us, we know they have not taken this approach or decision lightly. Then we have the enormous task of trying to locate the very precious commodities of love and companionship they so dearly desire to keep them company in their life journey, which for many of our clients is the last chapter of their lives, and one they do not want to spend alone.
They have literally put their heart in our hands.💗
As a single, fast approaching 59 years old, I totally understand how difficult it is to find someone who firstly aligns with our values, goals, and our personality in today's modern dating world, which focuses mainly on images and a snippet of self-promotional bio text that makes us highly judgemental and negative about who we are going on first dates with - therefore we do not move onto the second date, which allows us to make a real connection. We are not taking the time to get to know each other.
This is how we judge people - and if you have been dating online for a short or long period, then this will rub off on you and determine how you date.
Modern dating and modern relationships are more complex than ever. Putting yourself out there takes strength and courage. Therefore, my advice is always to think about where you are now, who you are, and what you want now: Don't leave this to chance.
Let me explain:
Like anything in life, foundations should be put in place, and preparing to date after a long time, OR if you have been dating unsuccessfully for some time, then it is worth putting the brakes on, taking a step back and concentrating on your mindset and approach to dating in a different era from the one you left behind 20, 30, 40 years ago. You may find that you have never really left the dating scene and just continually move from one unhealthy relationship to the next, wondering why.
Mindset & self-knowledge provide a solid starting point for creating a strong sense of self-awareness and rediscovery. Once you know what you are all about, now aged in your 50s, 60s, or 70s, it can remove the big expectations, confusion and pressure that are now part of the search for a soul mate. Having the right mindset in dating can increase your chances of being successful.
Foundation No:1 Core Values - what are they, and how do you identify your top 5?
Values are about what you need in order to live your life authentically so that you can be happy and feel good. These are about your firmly held beliefs about what makes you a person of value and also what you see as valuable in others.
How many of you can tell me you have dated ladies/guys, compromised your values, and wasted your time?......I HAVE!!
Your values are based on your experiences in life. They will impact everything from who you are attracted to, your political leanings, your tastes, things you do in your spare time or that you have interests in, your religious and social interactions, where you want to live, what you’re passionate about and more.
Values work alongside your boundaries which are your personal guideline of what you are prepared to accept in your relationships and from people (next week's exercise).
Most of us don't know our values. We don’t understand what’s most important to us.
Values are a part of us. They highlight what we stand for. They can represent our unique, individual essence. What we believe in; trust, loyalty, integrity, communication, religion, politics, lifestyle, health & fitness. Some values are crucial, and some are flexible.
Exercise One: How to identify your values - what is important to you?
Identifying your values before dating and looking for someone with similar values, if not the same values.
If you don’t have them, how will you know if you’re acting in your own best interests?
How will you know if something feels right?
How will you know if something feels wrong?
How will you know when you need to step back and take action that may involve opting out?
How can you stay you if you don’t have your core values, the foundations, absolutely necessary things that help to determine your sense of self and help you feel good and enjoy being you because there is no other fabulous you 😊
How can you respect yourself if you’re quick to abandon your values or compromise them for the sake of having a partner in your life? This is setting yourself up to fail!
If you haven’t figured it out already, the lack of values and not connecting them in dating is a fast track to relationship insanity – repeatedly doing the same things, going out with the same type of person, and expecting different results!
The first of the two really important exercises I am going to cover in this blog is how to determine your core values:
Based on the information above, 'think' about your overall values, then drill down to your 3 or 5 non-negotiables. This small but immensely important exercise will be amazingly beneficial if you dig deep and get honest with yourself.
If you are struggling to complete this exercise, then contact us at www.select-connections.com, and we will provide you with a link to our resources which will guide you in identifying your values.
Foundation No:2 Self Knowledge
This is where your values come into play, and if you do not actually know or feel what you are all about or what is important to you to make any relationship last, then you are setting yourself up for a fall.
Coming out of any relationship after 20, 30, or 40 years plus can not only leave you feeling very sad, scared and thinking, 'What on earth is next for me'. You might also feel like a complete stranger to yourself.
You are not alone, take heart that the bulk of the people I mentor have gone through or are going through the same thoughts and emotions, but it is really important to get to know this present you. You are not the person you were, and in order to move forward successfully, you need to look at who you are now.
How do you do this?
Being 58 years old and from Northern Ireland, The term 'self-enquiry' would have passed over my head, and my first thoughts would be ', Don't try and get me to undertake any WOOWOO exercises. So, from someone who is totally cynical, I need to tell you that this works and has worked for me.
Let's get straight into this; It is all about asking yourself questions about who the hell you are at this stage in life - I mean, how many of us have actually wondered this????
ME, for sure and BIG TIME 😎
Below, I will give you a few examples of questions you can answer for yourself - and the answers will help you rediscover who you are and give you an insight into your crucial values.
How do you see yourself?
What makes you who you are?
What do you need?
What are your 'deepest' values?
What do you offer?
Take your time with your answers, and they may take you somewhere you don't want to go, but if you are not ready to go there, leave it, but revisit, as this is a healing process and worth every minute.
Right, I am back at the beginning. Let's now revisit meeting the right person in today's modern dating world, and probably in any world that does not involve judging people on their looks, materialistic values, or puffed-up profile bios.
The secret I have given you this evening is to be brutally honest with yourself and with those you date. Compromise in small measures is acceptable and a two-way street, but you need to know in your heart that you are soooooo worth it. 🥰
Take good care: Jacqui B x
Next week, I will give you an update on my latest dating experience.
Also, the next step in making dating more successful