Jacqui & Melinda's journey on becoming single mid-life & later-in-life....
Last week saw the launch of our very first podcast.
We took the opportunity to be open and honest about our personal journeys and where we are now.
I (Jacqui) explained the difference in becoming single aged 44 with three small children, internet dating and the difficulties of being in a relationship for nearly ten years, which involved blending my family with my partners. I also touched on the difference in my approach to dating aged 53, my reasons for staying single for the last five years and why I have recently started dating again.
We all have stories to tell, and we have heard many tales of breakup and loss from clients and members alike. The majority feel embarrassed and initially reticent to tell us their story, but we quickly put them at ease by letting them know there is nothing they could say that would shock us or make either of us judge them. We are very personal, caring and empathetic ladies who take great pride in our work.
On the podcast, I talked about my last relationship and how I made all the wrong decisions; if there were an award for making bad decisions due to attraction, I would have won it a few years in a row! My judgement was clouded; all I could see was how tall and handsome this guy was and how lucky I was that he would want to be with someone like me! I was captivated, and as time went on, he took advantage of my feelings. Without going into too much detail about the relationship, it consisted of more bad times than good times. Deep down, I knew I had to go, but this was a massive decision due to the anxiety of having two relationships go wrong. I struggled with this, but in the end, I knew what I had to do - this was my life to live...
I tried to leave on April 2017, but he convinced me to stay, and things would change. They didn't, and this time there was no turning back for me. Since 4th January 2018, I have been single. I dated online for a few months but found it exhausting and unpredictable.
Once I realised that I was happy being single, embraced this new independent me and forgot about the expectation of going into another relationship, I settled down to what is now an enriching time of my life.
I also touched on the subject of dating. When I talk about dating again, people ask me why I don't date my clients - but this has been a personal rule I made before setting up Select-Connections & Select Events - NOT TO DATE CLIENTS, and that is non-negotiable at any stage. I have dipped my toe back into dating because the longer I leave it, the harder it gets to meet someone. I see how difficult it is for singles in their 60s, their expectations and struggling to allow for other people's habits or views, which are now ingrained.
I am aware of my mistakes and have taken time to work on my new approach to dating. I am not dating anyone for their looks or appearance, simply reading their profile (provided by a fellow matchmaker and friend), and if their core values are aligned with mine and I like how their profile reads, then I am happy to go on a date. Before, I would have judged my date instantly on meeting. If I didn't think he was tall enough or handsome, I immediately wrote him off and switched off, hurrying along. NOW, I do not. I take my time to get to know the person and take the approach of being relaxed and happy to meet someone new.
I am relishing this approach, and my two dates have been so enjoyable and enriching. I tell my clients and members not to get anxious about their dates, leave the tick list at home and stop judging every move or focusing on negative things. Relax, make it fun and exciting, even if they are not a keeper 😊😊
Melinda talked about her first marriage and how she was attracted to a 'bad boy', whose arrogance meant they had very few friends and living on the other side of the world in Australia. Ultimately, the marriage fell apart, and Melinda walked away with an immense amount of guilt.
She had taken her wedding vows seriously. Leaving the marriage weighed heavily on her mind. She took a step back to spend time on her recovery. She needed to work on her physical and mental well-being, what went wrong and how she could avoid making same mistakes again.
During her recovery, she befriended an English guy who worked in the same company in Sydney and within her team. They started to chat ( possibly at the photocopier!). It was before printing became a thing of the past and back in the day when workplace romances were not frowned upon. In the 80s and 90s, the photocopier was a great place to chat and flirt......
They became friends, which ultimately materialised into a full-on relationship.
To cut a long story short, they are happily married, have a lovely son, and life is good. The thing is, Melinda's second husband was and is nothing like her first husband, simply because she got to know him before dating.
If she had seen his profile back then, she would have swiped 'left' simply because he did not have the 'bad boy' look and his hobbies did not align with hers.
What we have both grasped on our journeys has been fruitful in many ways.
In our work, our clients and members understand that setting criteria leaves a high risk of ruling out the possibility of finding love or companionship at this stage in our lives.
Also, being too critical or looking for faults needs to be corrected.
You need to relax and enjoy the experience.
Do not go on a date with the thought of finding true love.
Go on a date thinking, 'this should be fun and interesting'.
Overthinking and over analysing could be better.
We hope you enjoyed the podcast and still need to listen to it yet then click here.
Tune in for our next podcast, where we discuss 'starting over again'.
Take good care, and if you have any confidential questions you would like to ask us, then please send us a message: firstname.lastname@example.org